I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
