He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
