oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
