Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
