i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
