Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
