I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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