Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You left your phone here
Wait...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
