Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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