Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
you never un-have a 4some
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
