i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
