Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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