Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
