On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
