I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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