Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize