You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
