I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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