I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
3 2 1 whiskey
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
