I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The beer is more important than you right now.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
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