I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just gift wrapped bread.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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