What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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