So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
