I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
