If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
