I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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