I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
