I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
