god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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