You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
