I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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