look no pants
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
