It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
