Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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