We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
