I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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