omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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