i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize