I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
