I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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