Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
