party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
