I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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