Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
