I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize