is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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