yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
