My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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