My liver just broke up with me...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
