Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They took my balls.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
