My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
