I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
