guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
