im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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