and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
