My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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