i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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