Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
