i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
