shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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