Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
