After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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