He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
