I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
