you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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