Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
