i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think I just sharted jello shots
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