I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
